life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Randomize
