I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
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from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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