he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
