Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
