You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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