dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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