I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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