did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
