rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
