and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
