I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
