My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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