this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
