I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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