My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
