some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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