so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
