Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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