Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
