I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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