I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
