fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
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You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
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Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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