My hand turned me down
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
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he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
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Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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