I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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