i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
