you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
