it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
In America we eat man semen.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
