the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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