he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
