either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
