rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
