I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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