Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
