I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
