i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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