Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
