unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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