The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
