just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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