before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
