think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
