I looked at my own cervix.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
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I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
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And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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