Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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