Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
