Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
