i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update