The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober