I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.