If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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