So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
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do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
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Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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