i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
