I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
