Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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