I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
