Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
